Day 8: Saying Goodbye

Today we were scheduled to tour the Fuyang Social Welfare Institute (SWI, aka orphanage).  I mentally prepared myself for what we were going to experience and how Zoey was going to handle everything. I figured she had to go to the SWI occasionally, but since it was not where she lived, it would not be too traumatic for her (or us).  I also figured it would give me some insight into her birth city and maybe some indication of what the foster family might be like.  We found out when we got there that she had spent the first whole year of her life in the orphanage and then was placed with her foster family, where she lived til we met her.  

It took the better part of three hours to get there, stopping once to use the facilities-squatty potties with no TP, no running water, but very clean nonetheless.  Zoey's belly is better, but not quite 100% yet.  She was a hoot during the ride-very chatty and even cuddled with me (as well as Jenna).  More baby steps were taken. 

We are going to have to wean the girls from their lollipops before we leave China.

Documenting the cuddling-initiated on HER part.  Woohoo!

We met the orphanage director at the exit ramp in Fuyang.  We followed him to the SWI.  Good thing-since we drove on sidewalks and a walking path that looked like a levy.  Tucked away was the SWI. 

This is really not a road.  Seriously.

The woman in the middle is one of the 2 Directors.

  A group of people were there to meet us.  Knowing their affinity for layering their children, I brought an extra fleece jacket with us, since I didn’t want to get into trouble with the caregivers for our American-style of dress.  For the record, it was 60-65 degrees, which probably warrants 4-5 heavy layers for them.  Jenna was in shorts.  They had on winter coats.

The experience was truly amazing.  I was informed quickly upon arrival that they sensed we were “good people” when they met us on Gotcha Day and extended the invitation to view the SWI.  The province of Anhui had stopped adoptions for more than 3 years and just reopened adoptions in the middle of last year.  I am guessing from what I have read that we may be one of the first westerners to tour the place in a very long time, if at all. 

We walked into the grounds through the gate and into the courtyard.  We saw the laundry drying on the trees. 

We were told many times how thankful they were for us taking Zoey into our home and giving her a family.  I thanked them all for all of the wonderful care she had received while in their SWI and foster home.  They told me they had traveled to the foster home every week to see how she was doing, make sure she was treated well.  They said she had been taken outside as much as possible-for walks, to eat outside if it was nice, and to go shopping.  (I can tell-car rides have been a piece of cake and she seems un-phased with her new experiences - except the zoo - that was definitely a new thing for her.)

We hung out in the courtyard for a little while taking pictures and looking at the wall where the mural was-you can see it in the background of her purple coat picture.  They pointed out the pictures of Zoey in the mural-there were 3 or 4.  Cutest kid on there, I have to say. 

It was about this time that I found out foster mom was invited to join us on our tour. 

All the while I am checking on Zoey.  She is very quiet.  Not her joking, bubbly self that we have seen frequently during the past several days, but the pensive, stoic one we see every once in a while.  She is holding on to Jenna.  Jane tells me to give her a lollipop.  I do. 

We proceed to the first room-the infants and newborns.  Zoey is still not speaking much, and is not happy when we ask her into the room.  When she is spoken to, she nods up and down, looking at the ground with the lollipop stick hanging out of her mouth.  I walk into the room-approximately 7x9, and take a look at the babies.  They show me Zoey’s crib in which she spent part of her first year.  She won’t walk far into the room-she stands near the door.  I gently went and picked her up to bring her over.  She is fine, but quiet.  I put her down and she goes to Jenna, who is taking pictures of the room near the exit while I meet the babies.  There is a newborn-probably not even a week old-no fingers on her left hand.  On the other side of that crib is a beautiful baby girl-she looked very healthy, but I didn’t get any info on her-she was a chunk and about 5-6 months old.  There is another little crib with a baby who is probably about a month old-he had only one eye.  Next to him in the crib was another little one who was crying; the nanny doesn’t pick him up, but lifts up his head.  He stops crying, but continues to fuss.  The other child who was awake was a girl.  Cute as can be and smiling brightly when I spoke to her.  The room was clean with no extra clutter-the accommodations were fine, but not for US standards.  I don’t think there was heat, and there were bars across the windows with one single thin pane of glass.

 

The woman on the left is one of the 2 Directors.  The woman on the right is one of the 2 we met on Gotcha Day.  This is the crib that was Zoey's when she was just a newborn. 

Ready to go.

 

We walked into the next room-kids a little older, each with his or her own crib.  Probably 1-2 year olds.  There was a child with some significant mental issues, and another little boy I went up to who looked very, very sad and sickly.  But at that point Jane flies into the room and says the foster mom is here.  In hindsight, I was really unprepared for this.  I bolt out of the door and saw Zoey in between the foster mom and dad, hugging; mom and Zoey were sobbing.   Foster dad maintained his composure-picked her up and gave her a hug.  Foster sis and brother were there, and a grandmother.  Everyone is crying, including Jenna and me.  It was hard as a mother to not feel the grief and the pain the foster mom was going through-I have teared up every time I think of this, retell it, and write it.  I stood back and let them have closure. 

Up to this point, everywhere we have gone, Zoey checks in on me-even though she still keeps me at arms’ length, she looks over to me.  But not then-Jenna and I understood and just hung out in the background. 

 
Jane interpreted for us-the foster mom thanked us for giving Zoey a new life in America. She said she would be forever grateful to us for what we could give to Zoey.  I, in turn, thanked her for the care and love she gave to my daughter.  I told her how pleased we are that Zoey is so healthy and happy, and that I could tell she had been loved very much.  More tears, more crying, more hugging.  I asked Jane if I could give them the necklaces we had for them-pendants of the purple picture of Zoey for mom and sis.  Everyone said it was okay, and they quickly put them on.

 

The mood was lightened a little for me when foster dad was holding Zoey and foster mom felt up her pants for the under layer of clothing, which must have crept up her leg...  Realizing there was no other layer, Mandarin went flying, but soon she just gave Zoey a big hug and cried some more.  

The mural: Zoey and Yang Xiao Qin, her BFF at the SWI.

By this time we'd been sobbing for the better part of an hour.  Please note: we had been crying, I have no working flat iron, and we have been wearing the same clothes for 7 days, which I have been washing in the sink. 

Siblings

 

Mom pulled candies out of a bag and gave them to Zoey, who walked to me and I put them in my bag.  She stuffed Zoey's pockets full of them.  They also retrieved a huge bag of rice crackers for her.  Jane explained that bringing food is a very traditional way of showing love. 

They wanted to know if we could have contact with them; Jane said no, as CCAA does not permit contact between the adoptive parents and the foster parents.  I promised to send pictures and updates through the orphanage.  At some point Jane grabbed the camera-I was a little out of it and she just snapped the pictures.

 

More tears, group pictures and an invitation to see their home, which Jane said would not be a good idea, and a promise that next time we are there, we will come and see their home-maybe even stay there.  I could tell this was beginning to wear on Zoey-her head hung a little lower and the tears and the nose flowed a little more.  I brought out the lollipops-I asked if we could give them to her kindergarten class, thinking that the kindergarten was on-property.  They said sure, so we walked to the van.  I thought we were leaving to go back, but Jane explained that we’d go to her school.  Foster mom became very upset again-we hugged.  Was very emotional-knowing that this was it.  I could feel her grief-it was hard not to.  That was the hand off-we were sobbing, poor Zoey just hanging on to her foster mom with her head down.  

 

I found out after we were in the van that they wanted to come with us to the school, but they were told not to, as it was too much for Zoey.  This picture is amazing-Zoey looking forward and the family saying good bye.  

Back side of the SWI

Orphanage grounds

Kindergarten entrance

Seriously-don't all preschool/kindergarten teachers wear feathers and pumps to school?

 

We drove about 15 minutes to the school, led by a van full of the SWI staffers.  We were greeted by Ms. Feng, her teacher.  The one in feathers-not sure our kindergarten teachers wear feathered dresses and pumps-but she was adorable with Zoey.  We caught them after their snack and Jenna handed out the lollipops.  She got a lot of “xie xie, jie jie” (“shay shay, jay jay,” meaning thank you, big sister).  Jane took pictures of all of the children and her teachers for Zoey to have.  

Zoey with her BFF at school, Sun Chen, 4 years old.

 

I could tell she was having a rough time, and I looked at Jane-she declared it was time to go, and we were out of there.  I did find out it was a private school-very expensive for Chinese standards.  I later asked who paid for the school for Zoey-Jane stated that the government did. 

Before we left, the SWI staff asked if we could do lunch together, but Jane said that Zoey had a belly ache and needed to get back to get more clothes on so she could feel better.  Lol.  
 

Notice the futons in the back of the room.

School van

This is her Finding Spot-at the SG market in downtown Fuyang.  It was in the center of town, in an enormous 5-way intersection.  This is where Zoey was abandoned at 1 week of age.  It is a very public place-in the center of town.  Her birth mom must have loved her and wanted her to be found.  Thanks to Jane for having the foresight to snap some pictures of it. 

Not even 5 minutes into the drive home-out comes the Mandarin Tornado. 

The layers of clothes made her so hot, her hair was soaked with sweat.  We gave her a faux-hawk.  She totally hammed it up.

  For those of you who may not understand, this is pretty much unprecedented in Chinese orphanage adoptions.  I cannot believe I have this amazing record in photos of the people who were so important in Zoey’s life to this point.  Most people don’t even have pictures, let alone get to meet their daughter’s previous family, her friends, her parents.  This made me realize that she had been prepared for this transition very well by everyone, including the foster family.  She had had the closure she needed, but this was the closure we needed-it was amazing to see the dynamics and how loved she was and is, and how missed she will be. 

The other thing I learned today is how very strong my daughter is.  I cannot believe she is only 3 and a half.  She held up the best out of all of us.   And she did perk up within a couple minutes of being back in the car with us-I was afraid she’d take a bunch of steps backwards, but so far today and tonight we are back to hanging out with our little Mandarin Tornado (when I wrote this, she was jumping from one hotel bed to the other). 

Day 7-Hefei

A day of progress, and a day of setbacks-well, not really setbacks, but just more grieving.  And attachment issues with me.  But, that is the story of adoption.

So far, the sleeping has gone pretty well.  She slept from about 7:30 (the time she passed out on my shoulder last night), to almost 8 this morning-right before we Skyped back home.  She sleeps well, but snores up a storm.  She also moves around a lot-tosses and turns, up and down the bed.  She did not fall out of bed, because I rigged the stroller to be in between the wall and the crib, and the crib is next to the bed, acting as a gate-so she was safe and could not fall out.  She woke up with a smile again.  She is a little cuddly at night-right now, I am taking any kind of contact from her that I can get.  She is still not quite so sure of me-much more attached to Jenna.  But I am the person who is dressing her, telling her "no" and setting boundaries, forcing the bath issue and "encouraging" her to brush her teeth...so of course I am the "unfavored" one right now.  Which is fine.  At some point she will learn to like me... hopefully... :)

So here is our day in a nutshell: 

This is from last night-but for some reason I could not load it on the blog.  How sweet is she??!?

We met our driver outside the hotel at 10 to go to the Hefei Zoo.  Found this one funny-a building on the way to the zoo.

Our first critter at the zoo.  Big enough to cage.  Chinese beetle??                                                                         

First stop-the monkeys.  Meghan-she LOVED them.  We spent so much time at the monkey pits that we had to rush out of the zoo at the end.  I would like to point out that this zoo is a little different from the ones back at the US.  People were throwing everything into the pits-bottles, wrappers, food, etc...the animals were really only a couple feet away, with not really a whole heck of a lot between them and us. 

Jenna is the Pied Piper out here-picking up kids everywhere she goes... this little boy is not with us, but followed Jenna around the hippo pit. 

This was a bit unnerving-we could get REALLY close to the hippos-much closer than I really liked...it is really a wire fence between you and them-and that chicken wire is pretty open, and that gate a little rusty.

Running from pit to pit.  She really loved it-kept pointing and talking about the animals.  She really has boundless energy.  I know I have said this before, but she really moves well-very much the athlete.

Protect CircumStance Begin with Me.  So-I am thinking it means "make the world a better place and put your trash here," instead of "throw your trash in the animal pits."

This little girl was walking around with her grandpa-she was so cute.  Kept looking and looking at us...could be how cute our girls were, but I am guessing it is because we are a bit of an anomaly here in Hefei.  Not many westerners, so we white folk stick out a bit.  Especially with a couple very cute Chinese girls.

This crazy bridge was the only thing that separated us from the predators.  Lions, tigers, bears (oh my), etc...-only about 10 feet at most below us.  And the signs on the side of this bridge read: 

"Take care of your children pay attention to the gaps between railings." 

 The actual animal exhibits (for the more tame animals) consisted of about 8' high fencing (simple twisted chicken wire) surrounding 3 sides of the exhibit, with the fourth side being a split rail metal fence behind a row of hedges.  Seriously.  Check out the giraffe exhibit below:

This one was a little more secured than the others, but you get the idea.  Apparently their "codes" are of a different standard than we are used to...lol.

Very cute school group we kept running into during our adventure.  Check out the boy with the cap in the middle, top row.

One more from that railing: "No climbing over the railing."  If you can't see it, just above the 4th character from the left is a tiger down below.  I think I will stay on the bridge, thank you very much.

During our walk over the bridge, Zoey kept quietly repeating something over and over.  I, of course, had no idea what she needed.  I checked out the "Simple Chinese for Adoptive Families" and thought it might be something to do with the bathroom, so I asked her if she had to go to the bathroom in Mandarin.  She emphatically shook her head YES.  I searched the map on our ticket-but those of you who know me might know that I am directionally-challenged, so as I am trying to figure out where we were on this circle in the zoo, Tim and Lisa point out the building pretty much in front of me, which said "restroom."  Apparently, the excitement and change in her diet (which was likely pretty consistent every day - same foods, same times) is taking a bit of a toll on her poor digestive system, but the child took it in stride and we made it to the bathroom just in time.  Probably was the sweet and sour sauce with the fries from last night... or the 3 yogurts she had for breakfast... or... anyway-THIS is what we found.  Had it not been an emergency, I would have passed on this one. 

This is a squatty potty with a bit of a twist-NO DOORS, a river running through the bottom to "flush" the waste away, and no real potty-just the canal through the bathroom.  See the toilet paper dispensers---just a teaser, as there was no toilet paper.  Which was fine-I travel with tissues now.  Poor Zoey-she was a trouper and we made it just in time.  Gave her half a pepto tablet and we were on our way to the next exhibit.  But not until I went back in to take some pics of this.  I win the "most unusual squatty potty" award.

This is the canal down the middle of the squatty potty-the opening on the left is about 4 inches high to the other potty.  Which you can see in this pic I took from above, because there is NO DOOR and the walls are only about 3 feet high.  I had to wait a couple minutes to get these pics because there were women in there, and there was no way I could discretely take a photo with people actually using these.  Lol. 

Checking out the panda.

Hefei city skyline in the distance.  Just like Ohio-except without the corn fields.

She is so stinkin' cute.  Here she is with the bubble blower that we bought for about $3 at the zoo.  You would have thought I bought her an iPod.  She LOVES it. 

Picking up the cute boys at the zoo...

The girls had a bubble war-very cute.

This was my response to Jenna's pointing out that the only reason Zoey was cuddling with me was because she was asleep.  I told you-I'll take whatever I can at this point.  :)

After the Zoo and her little nap, we played in the hotel playground which is in back of the restaurant.  We tried the pool again-I did take her shoes and socks off, which she was not happy about, but she dealt with it well.  She did not enter the pool, but sat on the chair and watched Jenna, giving me the evil eye every once in a while.  After the pool, Lisa and I took Chloe and Zoey upstairs to their room-they have a bathtub.  I removed Zoey's shirt-she put up a bit of a fight, but I unhesitatingly removed the shirt and she took off her own pants-I think she knew she wasn't going to get away without finally having a bath.  We put both girls into the bath.  An hour and a half later, we had to drain the tub because the water was freezing.  When Jenna left and went to our room about a half hour into the marathon bath-Zoey got really quiet.  Again-she has "the Look" mastered.  She'd look up to see if I was there, then give me the evil eye, and go on playing.  After her bath she just sat on my lap in her towel-she completely shut down.  Chloe was trying to feed her pringles.  Zoey barely opened her mouth.  She didn't say a word, didn't really look at anyone.  Poor kid.  She came out of it-after I dressed her in this outfit. 

That face is a face that was pissed that her shirt did not have sleeves, and mad as a hornet that her skirt did not cover her knees-she kept trying to pull it down so that her skirt would cover her legs.  So-I did what any good mom would do---took some pictures of how cute she looked, THEN put her in her pjs. 

The blue nail polish came with her to Gotcha Day.  So cute. 

Dinner time-a Noodle Face-Off:  east vs. west.

She snapped out of her misery when we got back and she saw Jenna.  We all hung out, ate, and just chilled.  Jenna fell asleep before Zoey, and Zoey let me hang out with her and  played games on the iPad.  She is pretty good at Cut the Rope.  She was so sweet.  Very determined to get past every level.  Didn't fade away this time-she was just happy.

When it was time for bed, I looked up "time for bed" in the book and told her in my best Mandarin; she sighed.  I walked her into the bathroom, let her do what she needed to do, then got the toothbrush out.  She had watched Chloe brush her teeth while they were in the bathtub, which I think might have helped.  She did great.  Loved spitting into the sink.  I walked her to our bed, tucked her in with her stuffed animal, and now she is snoring up a storm.  Better get the ear plugs ready for tonight...

She really is a doll.  She is talking up a storm-loves to say "Hello" and "I love you" and when she is in the mood she'll mimic what you say - all with the cutest darn Chinese accent I've ever heard.  We'll get past the grieving.  And the attachment issues.  When she's ready.  Baby steps... we have time-she's ours forever.  :)

[For those of you who have been trying to post comments-I switched the settings, so it should work.  Take it up with Bryan if not.  Haha]